Subject: Rita Rudner's Guide to Men
From: [email-masked] (Anne P. Mitchell Esq.)
Date: 19 May 1994 18:20:45 -0700
Newsgroups: ba.singles,alt.fan.shedevil

Rita Rudner's "Guy Guide": Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.

   1.   Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.
  
   2.   Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.  
        They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  
   3.   If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first 
        few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  
        Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
  
   4.   Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" 
        usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
  
   5.   Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world 
        where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  
   6.   Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident that 
        when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
        concentrates he can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he
        coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in
        trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
  
   7.   If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during 
        play-off season.
  
   8.   Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel important.
  
   9.   Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.  
        Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  
   10.  All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
  
   11.  The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he 
        can ever care about anyone else.
  
   12.  Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.  They can 
        learn in private; in public they have to know.
  
   13.  Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
  
   14.  All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my 
        pillow, instead of a gun.
  
   15.  A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men 
        usually have jobs and bathe.
  
   16.  Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has one 
        that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
  
   17.  All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."  
        These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
  
   18.  Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a fire and 
        the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  
   19.  Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough 
        to get a bikini wax.
  
   20.  All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are not.  
        Contact me for a list of names.
  
   21.  Men don't get cellulite.  God might just be a man.
  
   22.  Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.  Women have two 
        types: depressing and more depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy
        and not nerdy.
  
   23.  Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating 
        goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are
        like portable heaters that snore.
  
   24.  Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I've never 
        seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; 
        get me out of here.  There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
  
   25.  Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is 
        usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from
        the door.
  
   26.  If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or 
        more types of lettuce, he is serious.
  
   27.  If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he 
        a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are 
        in for a nasty surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works
        on cocoons and butterflies.
  
   28.  Men own basketball teams.  Every year cheerleaders' outfits get 
        tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
  
   29.  No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on record 
        saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  
   30.  When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
  
   31.  When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  
   32.  Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
  
   33.  Men are less sentimental than women.  No man has ever seen the 
        movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
  
   34.  Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?  Am I emotionally 
        and creatively fulfilled?"  Most men are outrospective: "Did my
        team win?  How's my car?"
  
   35.  If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't 
        forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die.  He just
        didn't want to call you.
  
   36.  Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I asked 
        him, "Are we going to have sex again?"  He said, "Yes, but not
        with each other."
  
   37.  Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do 
        it out of sight of women.
  
   38.  Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
        "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like 
        a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I
        love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children."
        Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  
   39.  Men accept compliments much better than women do.  Example: "Mitch,
        you look great."  Mitch: "Thanks."  On the other side: "Ruth, you 
        look great."  Ruth: "I do?  Must be the lighting."
  
   40.  Impulse buying is not macho.  Men rarely call the Home Shopping
        Network.
  
   41.  Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
  
   42.  Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it 
        is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
  
   43.  Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do 
        because their clothes all button and zip in the front.  Women's
        dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally
        and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
  
   44.  Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with 
        superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up 
        identifying with Barbie.
  
   45.  When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, 
        she will assume she has gained weight.  When a man tries something
        from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has
        shrunk.
  
   46.  Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  With 
        female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  Male
        menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
  
   47.  Men forget everything; women remember everything.
  
   48.  That's why men need instant replays in sports.  They've already 
        forgotten what happened.
  
   49.  Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
  
   50.  All men would still really like to own a train set.

-- 
      I am: mom, attorney, fathers' rights advocate, founder of F.R.E.E.
   LOOKING FOR: Lorna Taylor, Sumi Furiya, & a carved oriental zodiac table
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