From: wednsday@MCS.COM (Wednesday) Newsgroups: alt.tv.commercials,alt.fan.mst3k Subject: Liber MENTOS Date: 5 Oct 1994 17:32:10 -0500 Organization: MCSNet Subscriber Account, Chicago's First Public-Access Internet! Lines: 121 Message-ID: <36v9ha$g32@Venus.mcs.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: venus.mcs.com l i b e r m e n t o s x v i i c d e f g z x y z the book of the freshmaker channeled through Wednesday Ashkevron, Cheladevaji To The Unknown, via the Holey Guardian Demon Tuit Tuit Tuwooo! * + * + * Yea, verily, it has been said by those with wands of flesh that the wombyns hath not will manifest in the Flesh and, as such, practise solely silly magick and write only books for Llewellyn. But lo! It is the word of the Whore of Babylon 5, Hello Kitty, She Who Rides Kerokerokeroppi, that doth be written here, so there, nyah, nyah, nyah... "Dude! Let all who walk near candy stands know with every fiber of their bran, every bond of their tongue, every ounce of their measuring cup, that the Will and the Wand are for all. "For sooth! Tarnation! Fiddlefaddle! There lies in each and every 7-11 [insert gematria here] a Sacred Wand, a phallus of Freshness, and by God/dess/e/s, it is only fifty-nine [insert more gematria] cents [plus tax] [nsert more gematria] [void where prohibited; this offer expires 7/93]! "It is MENTOS! The Freshmaker! Let me tell you the tale of the Mint of Osiris, the Body of Christ, the Host, the Fresh Made Flesh! Ole! "For sooth! T'was the Nightmare before Christmas, and young Set raced through the aisles of the aMall of Iniquity, for he feared the dark embrace of Kitty Yuga [insert Tyagi dating], She WHo Drinks The Blood Of Dick Clark, Icon Of Meggery, Pet Obsession Of The Ashkevronesque! "He fled into Saks 5th [insert gematria] Avenue, on the narrow path of the Magus, and struck a pose, for lo, there is nothing to it (Vogue!). "And he became one with the sexy mannequin whores of doom, all garbed in lush purple and frozen in ecstacy of latex, posed as one who is initiated into the Laurenian Mysteries of the Yuppie God Ralph, Patron God of Porcelain. "And the Whore did walk past, yea verily, for she did not see her would-be consort, and did adjust her silly hat! Hail the silly Hat! Headpiece of the Goddess! Diadem of the Aeon! "And when she did pass, He did partake of his Will, and was refreshed! And the silly music did play all about him, in celebration of his Will, raised erect before him in splendor! "And thus he ran! "Upon the magickal moving staircase, the stairlike beast, the chariot of seven heads and seven stairs, the Kitty Whore did gaze around and up, and saw her fair consort, and did sigh, wagging her finger willfully, but without true Freshness! "He did then turn to his worshipper, and made the Holy Dumb Face, offering his Will before him, mouth agape in dhyana, knowing fuly the Mysteries of the Void! "And the Mall did become Fresh, and the Voice of the Elder Ones ever Qliphothic did resonate cheerfully thus: "MENTOS! The Freshmaker!" "And so it was ordained! "The Will was then given anew unto the WOman when her chariot was incorrectly parked. "The annoying music did play as she too partook of the Will, becoming so Fresh that yea, verily, i mean VERILY, her Will did take the minds of many unemployed actors seeking jobs iun commercials, and bade them carry her chariot to the Ordained Parking Space! "She did then raise aloft her Will erect once more, smiling in her waves of samadhi, dhyana, and/or gnosis, knowing the Universe, and at last initiated into some men-only degree Bill Heidrick alone would know of, and she was like One with Stuff and Things. And the voice did speak for her also: "MENTOS! The Freshmaker!" "It was then so ordained that Woman as Well could Wield the Wand of Will as nasty as she Wanna. For you are crunchy, and stay crispy in milk, unlike the Will, which is malleable as the Void, and asunlikely to get digested. "The Will, as the Mento, is pure and removed from the Table of the Elements, pure chewing satisfaction, especially for the Women! "Ouch! "Its numbers are 7, 11, 23, 27, 59, and 93 (HIKE!), except on alternate Wednesdays, when they are subject to change without notice! "And they are cute, too! "Such is the Proclamation of the Whore of Babylon 5, the Kitty of Greeting, the Rider of Kerokerokeroppi, Drinker of Fruitopia, Bitch of the Aeon, Driver of the Neon, Breather of the Freon, Get it on! Get it on! "Make what thou wilt fresh shall be the whole of the Law. Loaves are the law, loaves dipped in swill!" And she did leave, forgetting to tell me how to bind this book, but I guess she's not fussy, so I won't even bother trying to find funky red covers for this, and shall ordain myself that this will be wrapped in foil, prined in purple ink, and sold outside fine convenience stores near you, next to the Wands of Will. 90210, 47, 23, 27, 37, scooby dooby doo, amen. w e d n e s d a y k ' t r e v a a s h k e v r o n cheladevaji to the unknown USENET'S First Official JoeBayEMF