Subject: Liber MENTOS
From: [email-masked] (Wednesday)
Date: 5 Oct 1994 17:32:10 -0500
Newsgroups: alt.tv.commercials,alt.fan.mst3k

l i b e r  m e n t o s   x v i i c d e f g z x y z
                                     the book of the freshmaker

channeled through Wednesday Ashkevron, Cheladevaji To The Unknown, via
the Holey Guardian Demon Tuit Tuit Tuwooo!

* + * + *

Yea, verily, it has been said by those with wands of flesh that the wombyns
hath not will manifest in the Flesh and, as such, practise solely silly
magick and write only books for Llewellyn.

But lo! It is the word of the Whore of Babylon 5, Hello Kitty, She Who
Rides Kerokerokeroppi, that doth be written here, so there, nyah, nyah,
nyah...

"Dude! Let all who walk near candy stands know with every fiber of their
bran, every bond of their tongue, every ounce of their measuring cup, that
the Will and the Wand are for all.

"For sooth! Tarnation! Fiddlefaddle! There lies in each and every 7-11
[insert gematria here] a Sacred Wand, a phallus of Freshness, and by
God/dess/e/s, it is only fifty-nine [insert more gematria] cents [plus tax]
[nsert more gematria] [void where prohibited; this offer expires 7/93]!

"It is MENTOS! The Freshmaker! Let me tell you the tale of the Mint of 
Osiris, the Body of Christ, the Host, the Fresh Made Flesh! Ole!

"For sooth! T'was the Nightmare before Christmas, and young Set raced
through the aisles of the aMall of Iniquity, for he feared the dark embrace
of Kitty Yuga [insert Tyagi dating], She WHo Drinks The Blood Of Dick
Clark, Icon Of Meggery, Pet Obsession Of The Ashkevronesque!

"He fled into Saks 5th [insert gematria] Avenue, on the narrow path
of the Magus, and struck a pose, for lo, there is nothing to it (Vogue!).

"And he became one with the sexy mannequin whores of doom, all garbed in 
lush purple and frozen in ecstacy of latex, posed as one who is initiated 
into the Laurenian Mysteries of the Yuppie God Ralph, Patron God of
Porcelain.

"And the Whore did walk past, yea verily, for she did not see her would-be
consort, and did adjust her silly hat! Hail the silly Hat! Headpiece of the
Goddess! Diadem of the Aeon!

"And when she did pass, He did partake of his Will, and was refreshed!
And the silly music did play all about him, in celebration of his Will, 
raised erect before him in splendor!

"And thus he ran!

"Upon the magickal moving staircase, the stairlike beast, the chariot of 
seven heads and seven stairs, the Kitty Whore did gaze around and up, and 
saw her fair consort, and did sigh, wagging her finger willfully, 
but without true Freshness!

"He did then turn to his worshipper, and made the Holy Dumb Face, offering
his Will before him, mouth agape in dhyana, knowing fuly the Mysteries of
the Void!

"And the Mall did become Fresh, and the Voice of the Elder Ones ever 
Qliphothic did resonate cheerfully thus:

		"MENTOS! The Freshmaker!"

"And so it was ordained!

"The Will was then given anew unto the WOman when her chariot was
incorrectly parked.

"The annoying music did play as she too partook of the Will, becoming so 
Fresh that yea, verily, i mean VERILY, her Will did take the minds of many
unemployed actors seeking jobs iun commercials, and bade them carry
her chariot to the Ordained Parking Space! 

"She did then raise aloft her Will erect once more, smiling in her
waves of samadhi, dhyana, and/or gnosis, knowing the Universe, and
at last initiated into some men-only degree Bill Heidrick alone would
know of, and she was like One with Stuff and Things.

And the voice did speak for her also:

		"MENTOS! The Freshmaker!"

"It was then so ordained that Woman as Well could Wield the Wand of Will
as nasty as she Wanna. For you are crunchy, and stay crispy in milk, 
unlike the Will, which is malleable as the Void, and asunlikely to get
digested. 

"The Will, as the Mento, is pure and removed from the Table of the Elements,
pure chewing satisfaction, especially for the Women!

"Ouch!

"Its numbers are 7, 11, 23, 27, 59, and 93 (HIKE!), except on alternate
Wednesdays, when they are subject to change without notice!

"And they are cute, too!

"Such is the Proclamation of the Whore of Babylon 5, the Kitty of Greeting,
the Rider of Kerokerokeroppi, Drinker of Fruitopia, Bitch of the Aeon,
Driver of the Neon, Breather of the Freon, Get it on! Get it on!

"Make what thou wilt fresh shall be the whole of the Law. Loaves are the
law, loaves dipped in swill!"

And she did leave, forgetting to tell me how to bind this book, but I 
guess she's not fussy, so I won't even bother trying to find funky red
covers for this, and shall ordain myself that this will be wrapped in 
foil, prined in purple ink, and sold outside fine convenience stores near 
you, next to the Wands of Will.

90210, 47, 23, 27, 37, scooby dooby doo, amen.

w e d n e s d a y   k ' t r e v a 
a   s   h   k   e   v   r   o   n 
cheladevaji   to   the    unknown 
USENET'S First Official JoeBayEMF