Collage 271 6 JUN 96 "Fun with AltaVista" I have several servers running on Colossus (my Macintosh), and, being the anal-retentive network-security type that I am, I check the logs very regularly. Earlier today ("today" being 7 May 96), I noticed the following back-link reference in my Web-server log: http://altavista.digital.com/cgi-bin/query?pg=aq&what=web&fmt= .&q=%22Princess+Diana%22+NEAR+%28nude+OR+naked%29&r=&d0=&d1= (The "back reference" tells me where the request originated, and can optionally be used to track pointers *to* my web pages.) Let me translate the key parts of this URL for you: The user was performing a search on AltaVista (one of the big Internet search engines, and my own personal favorite, by far) for the following string: "Princess Diana" NEAR (nude OR naked) In other words, this poor social deviant was searching for a picture (well, *presumably* a picture) of Princess Diana in the nude. What he got was Collage 45 here at HQ HumourNet. Why? Because, back then, I was still including Randy Cassingham's "THIS is TRUE" (nee "This Just In") mailings in my Collages, and that one happened to contain the following passage: "Princess Diana, visiting a nude beach on St. Barthelemy, noticed a nearby Frenchman, Marc Morelli, was getting ready for the sun by stripping down. 'The princess began to giggle. And when she realised he was going the whole way, she burst out laughing,' the Daily Mirror reported. (Reuter) ...It wasn't until that moment that she understood Charles was lying about what 'large ears' represented." (For those of you who are interested: Yes, TRUE/TJI *was* being used with permission. Also worth mentioning: Per Randy's format in TRUE, the last sentence in the paragraph above is his comment on the preceding news clip. If you'd like to see more of Randy's handiwork (highly recommended), send a blank e-mail to TrueInfo@freecom.com.) *Another* AltaVista search hit the HumourNet Web server on 9 May; this query was: "hemorrhoids + pictures" (There are some *really* sick pups out there.) What he found was Collage 12 -- probably not what he was searching for. :-) Collage 26 just took a hit from an AltaVista search (14 May) on the following search string: "naked + coeds"; what he got was the "Guy Page" from Collage 26 -- again, probably not what he had in mind. (Although well worth a look in itself. Really. Go DL it. It's hysterical.) Here are some more searches that have hit various Collages in the archives: 20 May: explicit + nude + photos + pregnant + free + blond (Excuse me?) 23 May: free + pictures + of + women + naked + in + the + bathtub (Almost embarrassing that these searches are hitting Collages. What the hell have I been putting in these things, anyway?) 25 May: "in her bra" OR "wearing a bra" OR "in my bra" (This person apparently left out the "lift" and "separate" keywords.) 26 May: "never wear underwear" OR "nothing underneath" (Presumably looking for pictures of Joan Jet or Jimmy Buffet. ;-) And while we're on the subject of searches (and old Collages), the following opening line from Collage 13 has received an inordinate number of hits lately: "Hello again, CyberPunks and CyberBabes ..." (We were a little less formal back then.) Why? Well, it seems that a *lot* of people have recently been searching on the word "cyberbabes." I won't speculate as to why this particular word has suddenly generated so much interest -- I'll leave that up to your own imaginations. Interestingly, most of these hits have come from -- you guessed it -- AltaVista. What *is* it with them? Do they advertise in Penthouse or what? I think I'm going to configure my Web server to direct all incoming AltaVista searches to a page that features subscription information for our sister list, "Bawdy.Net." (They're all yours, Shawn.... :-) On a similar note: Matt, the maintainer of the "Spacenet" Web page, has reported an inordinate number of hits on a page that contains the word "spam." (For those of you who are new to the 'Net, spam has something of a cult following in cyberspace (for example, you can check out the infamous "Spam Cam": ) -- and connotes more than merely the quasi-food product. See, for example, .) Since many search engines optionally prioritize search hits by number of occurrences, I have suggested to Matt that he create a web page containing solely the word "spam," repeated a few thousand times. He could name it the "Ultimate Spam Page," and launch a Web-wide experiment. Matt has been reluctant to do this, for fear that his server might not be able to handle the load.... And as I sit here typing this, another AltaVista search has hit the server: ((princess+of+wales) OR (princess+diana) OR (princess+di) OR (duchess+of+york) OR (fergie)) NEAR (nude OR naked OR topless) I hope he liked Collage 45. (BTW, the server also tells me "who" was performing the search. Heh ... You know who you are. So do I. And I plan to publish the complete list in the next Collage, unless I receive a large amount of cash. Soon. Really soon.) (Remember: We don't mean to offend, we just want the money.) (Okay, I'm kidding. But you can still send the cash if you'd like. :-) To be sure, this is just a small cross-section of the more, let's say, "mainstream" searches that I see on a day-to-day basis. I'd just prefer it if my Web page attracted, well, a *better clientele*. Luckily, Pastor Rus (Collage 255) is helping me out in that area; on 23 May, the following AltaVista search hit Collage 255: "sermon illustrations" And now, Collage 271 will forever serve as a source of sermon illustrations whenever someone searches on those keywords. (I'd better clean up my act, I guess.) Unfortunately, what the searcher is going to find in this opener are nude princesses, pictures of hemorrhoids, naked coeds, cyberbabes, and spam. That's going to be one *hell* of a sermon. - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to listproc2@bgu.edu: subscribe HumorNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country Where "your_name" is your real name, and "HumorNet" is spelled the American way--with only one "u" (although the *official* name for the list remains "HumourNet"). Thus, my sub request would read: subscribe HumorNet Vince Sabio, Washington, D.C. To unsubscribe, send the command "unsubscribe HumorNet" (without quotes) to listproc2@bgu.edu. Send contributions for upcoming Collages to HumorNet@bgu.edu. 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